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Promises Broken


I am sharing this part of my surrogate experience in hopes of helping other first-time surrogates who are preparing to begin their process of being matched with a couple. Unfortunately, I learned rather the hard way.

I still would say that my overall experience was pretty incredible, and the ultimate goal of helping to create a family for an infertile couple was definitely achieved. But so much of what I had wanted to experience along the way with this couple and our journey through this process was cheated from me.

I thought that I had chosen the "perfect" match. They were so much like myself and my husband, or so I thought. I think back now, and all those first time meetings of everyone being on their best behavior, went just too well. I thought that they were just everything that I could want in a couple. A very important thing for me was to have a very close relationship with the intended mother. To share as much as the pregnancy and the birth process as possible, to me, that would be what part of the joy for the infertile woman to feel as close to the situation as possible. For that reason, it was important to me to have a fairly local couple. Well, my couple were , but in terms of our relationship and our contact over the next nine months, you would have thought they lived across the country!

I would suggest that if you think what you want is the same idea that your couple is wanting, PLEASE be specific. My intended mother's idea of a close and loving relationship was far different than mine! I'm not saying that I wanted to be there child's godmother, or that I wanted to spend all the holidays with them while their child was kicking inside of me. But I got nowhere near even getting to share any part of their lives to see what kinds of home life they have, or what type of loving parents they will be. They came to only two doctor's appointments, and they never wanted to join us at our home for dinner or to just hang out. Mind you, I only live 10 minutes from the doctor's office! Both times we went out to dinner, but my kids really wanted to have them to our home. When they did come, it was a flight in, and a few hours later, they flew back home. The thought of staying over was out of the question. I came to find out that she did not feel the need to create too much of a bond, for in her words, "what's the point?" We talked a lot during the first few weeks before the first insemination, and many things were discussed. I shared that I would like her to be my labor coach during deliver, and she thought that would be great. She talked of me meeting her family and close girlfriends. I thought we would really be compatible. Well, I never met any of her friends, her family, never had lunch and went shopping, which she also said she would love to do. And the clincher was that they did not make the birth. There was a way for them to be there, with a little bit of effort. But they decided to take the next flight out in the morning. My water broke at 10:00pm, and there were no flights out till the next morning. But the drive is only 6 hours!!

Now the baby is 9 months old, and I have only received a few pictures of him at the three month mark. And that was at the request of the agency that I worked with, without them to prompt them I doubt that I would have received them. I still feel that I did an incredible thing, and I do believe he will grow up with lots of love and have a good life. But I would hope to try and educate any surrogates to really ask your intended parents everything that you might need to know. And if you are a great surrogate and doing it for the right reasons, they should be thrilled that all you want out of the experience is to share in their joy. And don't be afraid that they will think you are possibly going to change your mind once the baby is born. That is not what we are doing this incredible thing for. It is to share in the experience and create great memories, for the images of their happiness when you see them with their child are all that you get to take home with you. I am left with an empty feeling, sort of like I was an egg donor rather than a surrogate. And that is why I chose to be a surrogate instead. I think egg donors are wonderful also, for there are couples who choose a more distant approach. But I hope that by sharing my story, I can help couples and surrogates achieve a better match than mine. I know many happy, wonderful success stories that have turned out to be much more that the surrogate could have imagined. And most of the time this is how the cases turn out. I believe surrogacy is a great gift, and can create loving, special bonds of friendship between both parties that benefit the children in the long run. And that is what is the most important issue of all, the child.


2007 OPTS - The Organization of Parents Through Surrogacy